Self-Sabotage: What is it and Why Does it Happen?

WHAT IS IT?

Self-sabotage is when we do (or don't do) things that block us from achieving our goals or success. Self-sabotage can happen consciously or unconsciously and is directly influenced by our experiences, values, and core beliefs. Like this:

• Messages are sent to us, which may develop into beliefs. ➔ As adults, we consciously or unconsciously reinforce these beliefs and messages. ➔ We apply these beliefs and messages to our experiences as adults, and our actions are based on these beliefs and messages.

Here are a couple of examples:

• You're told mistakes are unacceptable. ➔ You put yourself down for mistakes. ➔ You avoid anything you might not be perfect at and miss out on joyful experiences.

• You’re told you have to be self-sufficient. ➔ You assume asking for help is wrong. ➔ You don’t allow others to help you, or you don’t ask for help when you need it.

• You’re told that the world is a bad place. ➔ You only notice the bad in the world ➔ You are cynical and stop trying because only bad things will happen anyway.

WHY DOES IT HAPPEN?

Rarely do we set out to self-sabotage. It's usually the reverse. You might be surprised that most self-sabotaging behaviors stem from self-preservation. Sometimes, we self-sabotage to escape uncomfortable feelings. Self-sabotaging behaviors can also be learned (and outdated) coping mechanisms from the past. We may have had to adopt certain behaviors to survive at one point in our lives; however, these behaviors are no longer helpful in our current circumstances. Here's an example:

• If, as a child, you experienced a lack of support ...

• You likely stopped asking for help ...

• As an adult, you may still not ask for help; you haven't learned this skill. This may sabotage employment and relationships, among other things.

Self-sabotaging behavior is learned this way, so it can be hard to break out of. Until we discover new, healthier ways of thinking and behaving and practice them repeatedly, we'll likely revert to coping in the way we know best—even if it comes at our own cost.